Selenay's Ramblings

I've just started listening to a new podcast, Buffering the Vampire Slayer, which is going through Buffy one episode at a time and discussing them. It's rather good :-)

While listening to the first episode, though, I realised that I'd forgotten so many details about Welcome to the Hellmouth. It's been ages since I last watched it! So yesterday, while on my exercise bike, I did a rewatch and remembered all over again why I loved the show so much.

It's little things, really. Willow is still so sweet, so untainted by everything that happens later. I remember loving how hopeful and optimistic she was, even though it's clear she's been picked on most of her life. It's why she was always one of my favourites: I recognised a lot of myself in her, but Willow was a better version of it.

The other thing that really struck me was Buffy herself. In my head, S1 Buffy is the pre-trauma Buffy. Everything is much brighter, she's happier, nothing bad has happened yet. But that's so far from the truth! The Buffy we meet in the first episode is already traumatised, already trying to process things no sixteen year-old should, already experiencing her life falling apart due to her calling. Somehow, I blocked that out. We never get to see happy care-free Buffy, not really, because she's been through a lot before she even sets foot in Sunnydale. My impression of Buffy in S1 being so much less burdened is only because I'm comparing her to S6/S7 Buffy. She isn't as dark as she becomes, but the Buffy we see in S1 is traumatised and fits a lot of the symptoms for PTSD.

BtVS was my first participatory fandom and it has so many good memories for me. I think that I'll be doing a rewatch to keep up with the podcast, re-experiencing how it felt to wait for new episodes. This week's podcast is on The Harvest, so I'll watch that tonight, and then it's weekly Buffy for me for a while :-)

A few of you may have noticed that so far this year I have written exactly two short fics so far. Leaving aside the small matter of how many long fics I used to write in a year, the thing that I have been thinking about is that both of those fics are Doctor Who fics based around Donna.

Why have I been thinking about this? Because Donna seems to be my break-in character for Doctor Who.

I have got the beginnings of several Ace fics littered around my hard-drive. Try as I might, none of them seem to call me even though I really want to write fic for my favourite character and a much under-used Doctor. In classic Who, the only character that I've actually finished a fic for was Brigadier Bambera. Not anyone's first choice, I think, although she was great to write for. In new Who, I have vaguely considered writing fic for both Rose and Martha, but never got further than vaguely thinking about it. I love both characters to bits, yet they just don't speak to me.

This brings me to Donna, who should be the hardest of the new companions to write for because she's loud, brash, shouty, obnoxious and pushy. She's so easy to caricature that she should be incredibly hard to get right and intimidating for writers. And yet she's the character that I've written two fics for with another half finished and a couple more germinating in my brain.

I'm calling her my break-in character because she's the character that I finally found to write in DW.

It doesn't seem to be the character that I most identify with or that I share the background to and that holds true for every fandom. Buffy was my character in Buffy, it was Daniel in Stargate and Elizabeth in Atlantis. It's not necessarily the most popular because half of fandom seemed to hate Elizabeth and a lot of fandom still isn't sure about Donna. It's not a character that I feel needs redeeming or the prettiest or the most fun-loving or the funniest.

I guess the thing with all those characters is that they're the ones that I want to explore and that I have something to say about. Perhaps that's why I spend a couple of years writing for a fandom and then largely move on because I have nothing left to say. Fannish butterflies like me is an essay best left for another day. These are the characters that catch me up and that I can actually feel when I'm writing, who I don't have to struggle to create words for. I like exploring the sides to these characters that are hinted at on the screen but never explored hugely and I enjoy working out how they think.

Perhaps it's easiest to say that these are the characters that speak to me, except it's not a literal voices in my head thing! Just...they are the characters where the stories write themselves to a degree rather than the ones where I have beginnings littered around that never go anywhere without a monumental struggle.

I haven't found my Torchwood character yet. I assumed that it would be Tosh - computer whizz! - and it isn't. Except lately I've been getting the vague ideas for a Captain John Hart story and I'm not sure that I'm ready to write a sociopathic murder addict even if his story is starting to write itself in my head when I get quiet moments.

So, does anyone else experience this or am I just crazy?

I have had a strangely productive weekend, all told. Friday night I finally got to see PotC2 (yay!) and yesterday I made a trip into town, unfortunately forgetting why I'd gone there but still managing to enjoy the presence of people who don't have anything to do with my current crap. I know that it's weird, but sometimes I just need to spend some time surrounded by people getting on with their lives to remind myself that what I'm currently doing isn't the only thing in the world.

I spend the evening with terrylbirch, attempting a watching-Buffy-til-we-drop session but getting distracted by Edward Scissorhands. How have I never seen that before?

Today has been about getting worky things done, updating the Quaker website and sorting out some cover letters/CVs to send out tomorrow. I have five done, which I feel is a pretty respectable showing for two hours work. I've also, possibly, done the teensiest bit of writing :-)

And now I must go to watch Top Gear 'cos I'm sad like that :-) And it takes my mind off having to go into work tomorrow at an ungodly hour...