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selenayI woke up this morning feeling unhappy and out of sorts. Kinda depressed. I'm not sure why. I suspect it was a combination of things.
I'm happy that this company wants a second interview, but it's not The Perfect Job and I'm starting to get angsty and stressy about this fact. I know that I'll probably enjoy it if I get it and there are plenty of good opportunities opening up from it, but there's that voice inside that keeps babbling that this is probably a bad idea and why don't I just go and do something easy instead?
Although I've done some of the things on my list of things to do this week, it's not been the holiday that I'd really planned. My lazy day never really happened, I haven't had time for any real reading, the art website isn't finished (not that I expected it to be) and I haven't had much time for writing. I got a couple of lovely quiet days, but people kept feeling bad that I was on my own for a couple of weeks and I haven't learnt how to say no when people I like and care about invite me over for dinner to make sure that I'm not lonely or underfed. I've even agreed to go to the cinema tonight despite the fact that I'd been promising myself a quiet night with takeout and DVDs.
In other words, I think most of the depression stems from dissatisfaction at all the things I wanted to do this week and couldn't, plus a healthy dose of angsty uncertainty about the job thing.
I'm taking steps, though. I've called my uncle and agreed to meet him at the cinema tonight rather than spending time at his house, thus reclaiming part of my evening so that I can still indulge in takeout. I went out and reminded myself that the rest of the world exists and there are other people there - something that often helps me to put things into perspective. I've bought myself some really good sausages from the local butcher for my lunch tomorrow - a final treat before the parents arrive. I'll be going over to T's house tomorrow afternoon to aid with some DIY, but will be back home before supper so that I can greet the parents' return. I've promised myself snack products, dark chocolate and an incredibly silly Midsommer Murders session tomorrow evening. I've opened the file with the current Teyla/Elizabeth fic and closed the art website files.
I have got to learn that perfect isn't attainable and start being happy with what I actually get. Plus at some stage in the (hopefully not to distant) future, I will book myself a couple of days off work, set aside any worky projects I have, and bury myself in reading books and writing novels. I'll do it when the art website is actually finished and regard it as my reward for getting it done.
I'm not entirely over the random depression day, but I'm getting there and I know that I'll feel fine tomorrow. Damn, I hate it when I get my depressed days.
I'm happy that this company wants a second interview, but it's not The Perfect Job and I'm starting to get angsty and stressy about this fact. I know that I'll probably enjoy it if I get it and there are plenty of good opportunities opening up from it, but there's that voice inside that keeps babbling that this is probably a bad idea and why don't I just go and do something easy instead?
Although I've done some of the things on my list of things to do this week, it's not been the holiday that I'd really planned. My lazy day never really happened, I haven't had time for any real reading, the art website isn't finished (not that I expected it to be) and I haven't had much time for writing. I got a couple of lovely quiet days, but people kept feeling bad that I was on my own for a couple of weeks and I haven't learnt how to say no when people I like and care about invite me over for dinner to make sure that I'm not lonely or underfed. I've even agreed to go to the cinema tonight despite the fact that I'd been promising myself a quiet night with takeout and DVDs.
In other words, I think most of the depression stems from dissatisfaction at all the things I wanted to do this week and couldn't, plus a healthy dose of angsty uncertainty about the job thing.
I'm taking steps, though. I've called my uncle and agreed to meet him at the cinema tonight rather than spending time at his house, thus reclaiming part of my evening so that I can still indulge in takeout. I went out and reminded myself that the rest of the world exists and there are other people there - something that often helps me to put things into perspective. I've bought myself some really good sausages from the local butcher for my lunch tomorrow - a final treat before the parents arrive. I'll be going over to T's house tomorrow afternoon to aid with some DIY, but will be back home before supper so that I can greet the parents' return. I've promised myself snack products, dark chocolate and an incredibly silly Midsommer Murders session tomorrow evening. I've opened the file with the current Teyla/Elizabeth fic and closed the art website files.
I have got to learn that perfect isn't attainable and start being happy with what I actually get. Plus at some stage in the (hopefully not to distant) future, I will book myself a couple of days off work, set aside any worky projects I have, and bury myself in reading books and writing novels. I'll do it when the art website is actually finished and regard it as my reward for getting it done.
I'm not entirely over the random depression day, but I'm getting there and I know that I'll feel fine tomorrow. Damn, I hate it when I get my depressed days.
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no subject
Date: 2005-10-01 05:45 pm (UTC)'I have got to learn that perfect isn't attainable and start being happy with what I actually get.'
goes, I have to tell you that it's either impossible or practically impossible. I've been struggling with that one for at least a decade longer than you, and I haven't discovered a solution yet. I'm not even sure there is one. That offers a little comfort, anyway.
Tomorrow will come soon.
no subject
Date: 2005-10-02 10:24 am (UTC)Tomorrow has come and I'm feeling much better. Still got some low-lying anxiety at the back of my mind, but that heavy depressive feeling is gone.
Damn, I hate my mind sometimes.
no subject
Date: 2005-10-02 10:37 am (UTC)Oh boy, do I know that one at the moment. :o( I'm glad you're feeling better though. My Grandad of Blessed Memory, put in my autograph book once, 'Rolls Royce ideas are no good with a pushbike income' and I guess that could be applied to the way we both feel too. I spent a long, long time settling and it's no fun. I promised myself I wouldn't do it again and right now it's just causing me pain. Almost as if I had perfection (or as near to it as this world ever gets) in the palm of my hand and I let it go. Or rather I held onto it so tight, it slipped through my fingers.
I wish I knew what the answer was. If you ever find it, give me a clue would you?
no subject
Date: 2005-10-02 05:02 pm (UTC)The damn stupid thing is spending so much effort trying for perfection, never attaining it, and then realising after the fact that your not-quite-perfecttion-but-close thing was really the best thing you'd ever had.
And trying to tell the difference between settling and going all out for the best even if it isn't perfect. It's so hard to tell, sometimes, whether you're settling because you can't get better and that's all you feel you should have or whether you're actually going for what you want, even if it isn't perfection.
And if any of that made sense, it's a miracle.