Self image thoughts

[selenay]

So, there's this issue that I have. A self-image thing. People regularly tell me that I'm stupid for feeling this way, but bear with me and I shall explain.

I am not pretty and I am not beautiful. It doesn't matter what I look like, that is the way that I feel about myself. I'm plain and frumpy.

For me, beauty isn't really about physical features. There are people that I think are utterly gorgeous who aren't conventionally pretty, but their clothes sense and flair just *work*.

These people are not me.

1) No matter what the scales say, in my head I'm a bit pudgy and my mental image of myself is about 30 pounds heavier than I really am. Telling me that I'm perfectly thin doesn't actually work. My weight is something that I'm terribly self-conscious about and I'm not sure that I'll ever understand why. I suspect that this is the effect of growing up a skinny kid and then growing overly-large boobs almost overnight, which did get reduced to something slightly more appropriate to my frame but left a lasting impression.

2) The boobs. They make me hideously self-conscious and I never know how to dress well for them. If cleavage is showing, I hear my mother's voice in my head even if it's just a hint and nothing indecent. The fact that many v-neck and scoop-neck tops (which flatter my shape better than high-necked things) seem to end at the navel does not help. I have no issues with wearing a camisole under things like this, but cannot find any silky ones (please could someone tell me where these are found?) and fabricy ones get dragged down by the top and end up baring just as much as the problem neck-line. I have a small frame and it's hard to find things that really fit and flatter when you have a small frame and big boobs. Clothes are built for stick insects.

3) My feet are narrow and shallow. They look perfectly nice and shapely up until I put them on the floor, then they flatten totally and pronate (roll inwards). This actually looks really ugly, IMO. Over the For this reason, I wear orthotics most of the time and my every day shoes need to accommodate the orthotics. For those who don't know, this means that they need a little bit of extra space, the inside needs to be shaped so that the orthotics don't bend inappropriately and the shoes need to be firmly attached to my feet. This is why I usually wear boots or Converse sneakers. Pretty shoes do not match well with orthotics. Nor do they go well with butt-ugly flat feet. Pretty shoes do not stay on my feet unless they have lots of straps and there are limits to how much heel I can wear and not fall flat on my face. Thus shoe shopping is torture and I have no pretty shoes. I'm going to admit that the shoes I wore to my best friend's wedding last year were a bad choice, both from a comfort POV and appearance. I really needed something daintier with a slight heel for that dress. Not owning pretty shoes (my boots are all a little clumpy and Converse only work in casual situations) makes dressing up for a dressy do not very easy.

4) I have no clothes sense. Mostly I manage not to clash badly or look out of place formality-wise at work. Mostly. Sometimes I catch myself in the mirror and realise that I've managed to dress so badly that someone should have arrested me when I left the house. I am not kidding, there was a day last month when the sweater/trousers combo made me look like a very fat kid with a teeny head. Ouch. And sometimes my colour choices, while not clashing, give the impression that I'm wearing pyjamas. Beige ones. Urp. I have no clothes sense, no colour sense and no idea how my friends manage to look so good when I can barely figure out whether a sweater goes with my blue jeans or not. As for dressing up, I'm clueless. Accessorizing appropriately (which I understand is the key to a great outfit) might as well be quantum physics to me.

5) I know as much about make-up as I did when I was ten. And I think I'm about as skilled at applying it. Nor do I have any clue about this 'eye-brow shaping' that people speak of. Likewise, I can blow-dry my hair by aiming the hairdryer at it but have no clue about actually styling it. My hairdresser uses flat-irons and product and it looks amazing, but these are items that I also have no clue about. Somewhere in my 'how to be a girl' education, all of these things passed me by and at the age of mumble-mumble I feel that it's probably too late to learn. So my hair looks vaguely wind-blown most of the time, I have no idea whether my eyebrows look OK and I'm scared of make-up.

I know for a lot of women, the things that I've listed aren't important and they don't really mind all these things. For me, these are all the reasons that I consider myself to be rather plain and frumpy (I am frumpy, I admit it) and I'm not sure how I change them.

My conviction that I'm not pretty (and sometimes that I'm a bit ugly) isn't about my features, it's about all the things that make up beauty to me. Someone can have absolutely gorgeous features, but those other things (clothes and hair and flair) can make them fade into the background. Someone else can have quite ordinary features, but they know how to dress and move and generally 'be' so people look at them and think 'wow'.

Does any of this make sense to people?

Comments

[nic]

Someone else can have quite ordinary features, but they know how to dress and move and generally 'be' so people look at them and think 'wow'.

Does any of this make sense to people?


This particularly, because this is me when I put in the effort. It's hard work but over the years, with a lot of practice, I learned how to do it.

I am not pretty and I am not beautiful.

I disagree with this! I think you have very pretty natural features. :)

[evil_plotbunny]

This makes a lot of sense to me because I feel the same way about 2, 4 and 5. I can colour match clothes without too much trouble but I tend to favour comfortable clothes without worrying too much about how they actually look on me.

1. I've got a small enough frame that I go the other way with weight. Mostly because my clothing size comes down to fitting my bust and that hasn't changed much since high school. I've still got a few items from college that fit and I was much lighter then.

3. Short wide feet. No tolerance for even the shortest heel. It's very rare for me to find shoes that are wide enough that look nice/adult/professional, but they fit into the top end of the kids section and I find that oddly those fit better than the adult size I'd normally take. So I end up with very funky shoes, hiking sandals and the occasional pair of clogs.

[feather-autant.livejournal.com]

I have a few things to say--personal shopper, makeup artist, and waxer/stylist

I had to go from scrubs and a jeans/t-shirt girl to 'business casual' in the space of 4 days. Talk about panic! Business casual?!?!? What the hell is that?!? I went into a more upscale shop and asked for help. I spent more on clothes than I'm used to *wince*, but she helped me pick out things that look fabulous and pulled together. It was worth it for the feeling that I actually look like I want to. :)
Now that I have an idea of how to do it, I don't need the help I did in the beginning.


I wear basic makeup. I breeze past the makeup counters in stores. I'm happy with my look. However, they will fall all over themselves to teach you how to apply very simple, classic makeup. And really, all you have to do is buy one thing from them (like an awesome lipstick), then go get cheaper makeups at a discount store. Just make note of the colors they use on you.

Tell your stylist that you need a no-maintenance style. Use the term "wash and go." You have the perfect hair for it! And eyebrows? The only way I can get mine to look anything but bushy is for my stylist to wax them. So I get them done at the same time I get a cut.

I know what you mean about not feeling put together. It doesn't matter how peaches-n-cream your skin is (and yours is), or how fabulous your hair color (so jealous of yours), if you don't *feel* it, you just don't feel it.

It's spending a little more on yourself than your used to, especially in the beginning, but a little help getting started will give you the tools you need to choose for yourself in the future. And really, why do you work if not to treat yourself every now and then? And what better treat is there than feeling good about yourself?

Having said all that, I think you're fabulous and don't need to do a thing, but *you* feel you need to, so go for it! ::hugs you::

[livii.livejournal.com]

I could have written a lot of this - I was nodding along like crazy! I don't know how to do anything with myself, or put myself together, and like to hide in my clothes. But people tell me I'm pretty and I'm trying to learn to accept that. I hope you can too. :)

[jewelsong.livejournal.com]

Somewhere in my 'how to be a girl' education, all of these things passed me by and at the age of mumble-mumble I feel that it's probably too late to learn.

Well, there's where you're wrong. There are people TRAINED to teach these sorts of things and happy to do it. I went to one after I had my eyes fixed, no longer wore glasses and realized that I had little beady eyes and no idea how to put on make-up. I also had reached a time in my life where my body shape was changing and what I used to wear no longer suited - nor did I have any idea WHAT to wear.

So I went to a fashion consultant. I had my colors done and got advice about hairstyle, make-up, skin-tone and best types of clothes and shoes for my figure. I told her I knew next to nothing and was counting on her to help me - and she did. I went home and tossed all the "wrong" color and shape clothes and now when I buy, I look for specific colors and styles that suit. I learned a vary basic make-up procedure (takes 2 minutes) and a better cut (and color) for my hair. I was there for 4+ hours, I paid her about £200 ($300 or so) and it was worth every penny.

As far as silky camisoles, try the lingerie department. Most big department stores have a decent selection.

[sugoll.livejournal.com]

Some good advice already, though if the "why not treat yourself?" argument doesn't work, then also consider that if you were wanting to learn to ride a horse with absolutely no experience, you wouldn't just randomly clamber onto whatever equine beast you encounter - you'd pay someone to explain it to you. And you're paying them to guide you straight to something that works, rather than having to work it out through trial and error.

As for your mother's voice in your head: every now and then, you should be dressing so that you do hear that voice. :-)

[paranoidangel]

I don't see what's wrong with what you wear. But then I subscribe to the school of thought that says as long as it's comfortable it doesn't matter. Although then it helps to make sure that all your tops go with all your bottoms so you don't clash, as I have done on occasion :)

I've never understood why women wear make-up. It just looks so unnatural and makes me wonder what they're trying to cover up, so I just look closer to work out what it is. But then I find that there's no point me wearing eye shadow because you can't see it behind my glasses, I can't put mascara on without poking myself in the eye, I lick all the lipstick off and the brown stuff you put on your face comes off on my hands (I'm not even aware of touching my face that much).

And boots with dresses has never gone out of fashion, imo.

[neadods.livejournal.com]

It makes complete sense.

A couple of things - I can't bear anyone fussing with my eyes or around them, so I don't do the wax or pluck eyebrow thing. To keep them from overbushing, I use a beard trimmer to keep 'em a decent length. Seems to work for me.

Winter Silks (http://www.wintersilks.com/default.aspx) isn't just for winter and right now they have a camisole sale. They've got stuff that fits me and I'm well over 200 lbs; they'll have something to fit your chest and be comfortable.

Other than that I've got nothing, because I'm one of nature's frumps too.

[boulder-girl.livejournal.com]

I am in the same boat. I don't have a lick of fashion sense, my version of make up is lip-gloss and deodorant and in general I don't have good posture which doesn't help matters.

I don't think it would matter if you didn't have flat feet or a large chest for your frame. You would have other things that bothered you. Currently for me it is my stomach. I feel as though it sticks out for miles and worry people will think I am pregnant again but trying to hide it. It makes me very selfconscious. I think it has far more to do with the wiring then the system so to speak.

I do however know how to properly shape an eyebrow. I think I was watching on a TV show and they did it in a way my logic oriented mind could understand and replicate using a pencil and facial features such as the nose to show where the eyebrow should go. I will see if I can find a reference for you :)

[riverfox.livejournal.com]

Does any of this make sense to people?

To every woman on the planet, I think. *loves*

[emerald-embers.livejournal.com]

*huge hugs*

Hi, I was just flicking through a few flists-of-flists and while I was browsing I saw this, and I just wanted to let you know I sympathise so, so much. *hugs*

Getting the hang of what colours go with what can be a pain to perfect - you have 'cool' blues and 'warm' blues and all this silliness - but as starting points go, I think the colour wheel system makes life easiest.

If you like being bright and attention-attracting, you go for opposites on the colour wheel; red and green, purple and yellow, blue and orange. You can also use any combination of the primary colours.

If you like being a bit subtler, you go for colours that sit side by side; blue and green, blue and purple, yellow and green, yellow and orange, red and purple, red and orange.

Black, brown and white are friendly colours, and you can team them with almost anything.

As for make-up, I'm very, very clumsy so I tend to find I stick with a few key pieces. Instead of worrying about foundation and powder and a million and one layers of subtle things, I tend to go for just eyeshadow, mascara, and lipstick or lipgloss.

Picking a mascara is effectively choosing how to dress your eyelashes; I'm a huge fan of Max Factor's Masterpiece because it's one of a very, very few mascaras that are a) relatively easy to use (they don't have a stupidly designed brush) and b) don't clump easily on my eyelashes.

Lipstick or lipgloss is a personal preference, really, and generally speaking as long as you're not wearing a very dark or very pale lipstick you'll look fine. On the whole, plums and orangey-colours are good if you're tanned or darker skinned, rose pinks and bluey-colours are good if you're paler. And there are plenty of department stores happy to give you free advice on what colours you should use, if you're really uncertain.

I love eyeshadow more than most other makeup because you can have a *lot* of fun with it. Smokey eyes work for almost everyone, and aren't half as hard as they look - you take a medium to pale colour, spread it over the main part of your eyelid, then take a darker colour and start blending it in from the outer corner of your eyelid inwards.

I'd recommend above all else taking a bit of time to practise. Get yourself some gentle eye makeup remover, or even baby oil and cotton wool, and don't be afraid to make mistakes trying out differing makeup styles. Some people can wear dramatic or bright makeup easily; others tend to go for something subtler and more natural. I'd say with makeup it all starts from finding what feels *comfortable* to you. My sister tends to go for a very sixties all smokey eyes and heavy eyeliner look while I love to virtually drag queen it up alongside my bright clothes.

But it makes complete, complete and utter sense that you can feel lost and ugly in a world like ours that expects you to 'just know' what you can or can't wear. Finding what works for you takes time and practise, and don't get disheartened if it doesn't happen overnight <3.

[clairecnc.livejournal.com]

It makes complete sense to me in terms of what you're saying and I'm so sorry yet another person in the world feels like this. I can't comment on whether what you're feeling is accurate or not having never seen you, but I also know that no matter what anyone says to you, believing you're beautiful is something you have to learn to believe for yourself, but for what it's worth I've never seen an ugly person everyone has some beauty about them.

As for fashion, make-up, I was at the back of those queues too, I'm sure we were at the front of other queues for more practical and useful things. I can live without fashion and make-up and it can be taught if you really want.

As for the orthotics I can truly sympathise, I wear AFO's when standing and inserts for sitting. My inserts are fairly solid so not quite as problematic as yours, but agree it's much harder to get anything dainty. I know in the UK plus size clothes retailers can be quite useful as they do shoes in wider fittings, I don't know if you have the same out there.

I know how *searches for the right word* difficult all of this can be, and wish I had some words of wisdom, but can only offer sympathy and hatred of shoe shopping.