![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
selenayOh my sister, how I love thee. Let me count the ways. The first would be the telephone call that I just received to let me know that she's still trying to find a train home and is therefore unlikely to make it to the station until well after 11pm. I was happy to fetch her from the station when it looked like being 9.30pm, but when it's getting close to midnight...grrr. Am tired. Wanna sleep *pout*
Other stuff today went well. Got all the programs installed for the PHP/MySQL stuff and began reading the first chapter. I'm discovering that it really is true that when you know one (or three) object-oriented programming languages, you can understand 'em all. Woo. Having alreay studied SQL this year, I don't think that adjusting to MySQL will be too tough either. Go me :-)
Also did some work on Mage Murders:
Words handwritten today: 1,000 approx
Total words handwritten: 20,500 approx.
I broke the 20K barrier and I'm feeling pleased :-) I've also got Medreth talking to me, Y'Pennf dropped a rather fun scene into my head this morning and my secondary characters are cool. Even the political subplot is beginning to gel properly. It's going scarily well.
Lastly, I present the Teyla/Weir pre-slash thingy that got sparked from 'Poisoning the Well'. It's also up at my site :-) This didn't quite go where I intended it to go and I'm not really sure what to make of it, but I'm letting it out anyway. Other people can write wonderful John/Sheppard stuff that makes me laugh out loud and threatens to ignite my monitor with the sheer hotness (even in a fic that's just about a kiss,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
mmmchelle). I get...this:
Title: Prime Directive
Summary: Elizabeth needs some time to think
Rating: G
Link, notes, disclaimers etc: Prime Directive
Elizabeth was sitting on the floor of her little balcony resting her aching head against the railing at her back. She drew her knees up against her chest and concentrated on taking deep, regular breaths. The cool, fresh air relieved a little of the pain in her head and all that remained of her earlier nausea was an aching stomach. Throwing up everything she had eaten for two days often did that, Elizabeth had discovered.
At the moment she just wanted to stay here in the peace and quiet with her eyes closed against the bright sunshine. If she opened her eyes and discovered that she was on the balcony outside her apartment on Earth, Elizabeth would be quite happy. In fact, Elizabeth wasn’t sure whether she would complain if she opened her eyes and discovered that the last year had all been a dream.
Thinking hurt and Elizabeth resolved not to do that for a while. She would just sit here, feeling numb and hoping that nobody would need her.
That wish was not to be granted. Elizabeth heard the balcony door swish open, but she didn’t have the energy to order whoever it was to go away. Footsteps came towards her and then a quiet rustle of clothing and a boot scraping against the concrete as someone sat down. There was a long silence. Elizabeth tried to pretend that no one was there.
“Doctor Beckett thought this might help,” Elizabeth’s intruder said.
Teyla. Of course it was Teyla. Elizabeth wondered how rude she would have to get before Teyla would leave. She was definitely not fit for company at the moment.
Something cool touched the skin on the back of Elizabeth’s hand, making her flinch.
“You should drink,” Teyla said patiently. “It will help your throat and your body must begin to replace what it has lost.”
Elizabeth reluctantly opened her eyes.
“Was I that obvious?” she croaked. Her voice rasped painfully in her raw throat.
Teyla smiled, but there was no humour in it. “No, you hid it well.”
“Not well enough, obviously.” Elizabeth sighed. “I haven’t thrown up like that for years.”
“I believe that Doctor Beckett also . . . threw up when he returned from Hoff.”
“He did?”
Teyla nodded. “You should drink.”
Elizabeth finally dropped her gaze to the mug that Teyla was holding out to her. “What’s in it?”
“Honey, herbs – we take it to soothe throats during sickness. Doctor Beckett has tested the contents and it will not harm you.”
“Thank you.” Elizabeth accepted the mug and took a cautious sip. It was cold, slightly sweet and her throat didn’t sting too much as it went down. “How is Doctor Beckett?”
“Angry. Sickened by what his work will do.” Teyla shifted to sit next to Elizabeth, resting her back against the railings. “Lieutenant Ford has several bottles of strong alcohol. I believe that he, John and Doctor McKay plan to get Doctor Beckett drunk tonight.”
“At the moment, that’s a tempting idea,” Elizabeth said.
“They are in John’s quarters if you want to join them,” Teyla said.
Elizabeth shook her head regretfully. “That probably isn’t a good idea. I’m not sure whether my stomach would take the hangover tomorrow.”
She drank some more honey-herb stuff. It was soothing on her throat and her stomach was still aching too much from her last bout of vomiting to really protest.
She’d thought that she would be fine. While John explained what had happened on the planet during the debriefing, Elizabeth had maintained an impassive, neutral expression. Her responses had been tightly controlled, any emotions tucked away into a corner of her mind that she could ignore. The frustration and anger filling the room hadn’t even touched her. It was only when she was alone in her quarters that it came crashing down on her and she’d barely made it to her bathroom in time.
“None of this was your fault,” Teyla said soothingly.
“Not my fault?” Elizabeth said incredulously. “How is it anything but my fault? I could have stopped the tests before they ever reached the stage they did. I should have stopped the tests. They went against everything that I’ve spent my life working for. I knew that it was wrong when I gave the order and I did it anyway.”
“The Hoffans would have found a way to synthesise their drug without our help,” Teyla said. “Doctor Beckett’s work only speeded the process.”
Elizabeth sighed unhappily. “They wouldn’t have had a Wraith to test it against if I hadn’t authorised it.”
“And they would have administered the drug to their entire population prior to the next Wraith culling,” Teyla continued with irritating logic. “They would not have known whether the drug would work and the Wraith would have discovered their research. Their path was set without our intervention.”
“What we did will still lead to the deaths of millions, however unintentionally,” Elizabeth said.
Teyla shrugged. “We did not cause their deaths and the potential benefits would have been worth it.”
Elizabeth was silent for a while. All the logic in the world couldn’t shake the formless guilt and anger that made her ill in a way she’d never felt before.
“I’m beginning to think that Star Trek had the right idea,” Elizabeth said eventually.
Teyla raised an eyebrow. “That’s the second time I’ve heard about your ‘Star Trek’ – is it an important cultural experience?”
Elizabeth smiled involuntarily. “Not exactly. It’s an old TV show. I’m sure one of the scientists brought along a few episodes if you’re interested.”
“I will ask them, thank you,” Teyla said with a polite, neutral expression. “Which idea were you referring to?”
“The military organisation that the show was based around had a prime directive: do not interfere with the development of other cultures. That rule doesn’t sound too far off the mark at the moment.”
“Ah.”
Teyla was quiet for a while and Elizabeth closed her eyes and rested her head against the railing. Maybe Teyla would finally take the hint and leave.
“If you adopted their prime directive, my people would not be here,” Teyla said after a while.
Elizabeth shrugged. “Your people probably wouldn’t have been attacked if we hadn’t been there.”
“Many of your encounters here have had a positive outcome,” Teyla said. “There are villages of children who would still be committing ritual suicide without your intervention.”
“Maybe,” Elizabeth conceded reluctantly.
“You have brought hope where there was none.”
“And death and destruction where there was none, too.”
“The Hoffans chose their destruction, despite our warnings,” Teyla said.
Elizabeth opened her eyes and sighed. “Teyla, thank you for trying to help, but at the moment I don’t think you can. It might be best if you left me alone to think about things.”
There was a puzzled frown and a look of hurt in Teyla’s eyes for a moment before the Athosian woman controlled her expression. It just added to the guilt that was gnawing at Elizabeth’s stomach again.
“If you are sure,” Teyla said, obviously hoping that Elizabeth would change her mind.
She didn’t. Instead she closed her eyes again and waved Teyla away. “I’m sure.”
Elizabeth heard Teyla get up and walk away. A moment later the door swished open and closed and Elizabeth was alone again. There was an empty feeling deep inside, a hole that her guilt and uncertainty could easily fill if she allowed.
If she was brutally honest with herself, it wasn’t just the guilt and horror at what had happened that had sent her running for a bathroom. It was the persistent thought that had been echoing in her head ever since John asked for her permission to take samples from Steve: “I shouldn’t be making these decisions”. Dilemmas over the disposal of ten thousand year-old dead plants suddenly seemed a lot more attractive than wading into the murky grey area of human rights and the relevance of the Geneva Convention to Wraiths. She’d known that there would be difficult decisions to make when she’d taken the job as leader of this expedition, but that abstract knowledge hadn’t prepared her for the reality.
Her decisions could get people killed. That wasn’t abstract anymore; it was a tangible fact. This time her decision to allow experimentation on Steve had sealed the fate of an entire planet. Her choice had been ethically and legally questionable at the time and hindsight was a bitch to live with.
The job wasn’t turning out to be what she had expected and every day seemed to make that more obvious. It could only be a matter of time before someone noticed that she didn’t know what she was doing half the time. But they needed someone who acted like a leader and Elizabeth had to give that to them. For now, though, she just wanted to sit out here and feel numb until the cold night air forced her inside.
*fin*
Other stuff today went well. Got all the programs installed for the PHP/MySQL stuff and began reading the first chapter. I'm discovering that it really is true that when you know one (or three) object-oriented programming languages, you can understand 'em all. Woo. Having alreay studied SQL this year, I don't think that adjusting to MySQL will be too tough either. Go me :-)
Also did some work on Mage Murders:
Words handwritten today: 1,000 approx
Total words handwritten: 20,500 approx.
I broke the 20K barrier and I'm feeling pleased :-) I've also got Medreth talking to me, Y'Pennf dropped a rather fun scene into my head this morning and my secondary characters are cool. Even the political subplot is beginning to gel properly. It's going scarily well.
Lastly, I present the Teyla/Weir pre-slash thingy that got sparked from 'Poisoning the Well'. It's also up at my site :-) This didn't quite go where I intended it to go and I'm not really sure what to make of it, but I'm letting it out anyway. Other people can write wonderful John/Sheppard stuff that makes me laugh out loud and threatens to ignite my monitor with the sheer hotness (even in a fic that's just about a kiss,
mmmchelle). I get...this:Title: Prime Directive
Summary: Elizabeth needs some time to think
Rating: G
Link, notes, disclaimers etc: Prime Directive
Elizabeth was sitting on the floor of her little balcony resting her aching head against the railing at her back. She drew her knees up against her chest and concentrated on taking deep, regular breaths. The cool, fresh air relieved a little of the pain in her head and all that remained of her earlier nausea was an aching stomach. Throwing up everything she had eaten for two days often did that, Elizabeth had discovered.
At the moment she just wanted to stay here in the peace and quiet with her eyes closed against the bright sunshine. If she opened her eyes and discovered that she was on the balcony outside her apartment on Earth, Elizabeth would be quite happy. In fact, Elizabeth wasn’t sure whether she would complain if she opened her eyes and discovered that the last year had all been a dream.
Thinking hurt and Elizabeth resolved not to do that for a while. She would just sit here, feeling numb and hoping that nobody would need her.
That wish was not to be granted. Elizabeth heard the balcony door swish open, but she didn’t have the energy to order whoever it was to go away. Footsteps came towards her and then a quiet rustle of clothing and a boot scraping against the concrete as someone sat down. There was a long silence. Elizabeth tried to pretend that no one was there.
“Doctor Beckett thought this might help,” Elizabeth’s intruder said.
Teyla. Of course it was Teyla. Elizabeth wondered how rude she would have to get before Teyla would leave. She was definitely not fit for company at the moment.
Something cool touched the skin on the back of Elizabeth’s hand, making her flinch.
“You should drink,” Teyla said patiently. “It will help your throat and your body must begin to replace what it has lost.”
Elizabeth reluctantly opened her eyes.
“Was I that obvious?” she croaked. Her voice rasped painfully in her raw throat.
Teyla smiled, but there was no humour in it. “No, you hid it well.”
“Not well enough, obviously.” Elizabeth sighed. “I haven’t thrown up like that for years.”
“I believe that Doctor Beckett also . . . threw up when he returned from Hoff.”
“He did?”
Teyla nodded. “You should drink.”
Elizabeth finally dropped her gaze to the mug that Teyla was holding out to her. “What’s in it?”
“Honey, herbs – we take it to soothe throats during sickness. Doctor Beckett has tested the contents and it will not harm you.”
“Thank you.” Elizabeth accepted the mug and took a cautious sip. It was cold, slightly sweet and her throat didn’t sting too much as it went down. “How is Doctor Beckett?”
“Angry. Sickened by what his work will do.” Teyla shifted to sit next to Elizabeth, resting her back against the railings. “Lieutenant Ford has several bottles of strong alcohol. I believe that he, John and Doctor McKay plan to get Doctor Beckett drunk tonight.”
“At the moment, that’s a tempting idea,” Elizabeth said.
“They are in John’s quarters if you want to join them,” Teyla said.
Elizabeth shook her head regretfully. “That probably isn’t a good idea. I’m not sure whether my stomach would take the hangover tomorrow.”
She drank some more honey-herb stuff. It was soothing on her throat and her stomach was still aching too much from her last bout of vomiting to really protest.
She’d thought that she would be fine. While John explained what had happened on the planet during the debriefing, Elizabeth had maintained an impassive, neutral expression. Her responses had been tightly controlled, any emotions tucked away into a corner of her mind that she could ignore. The frustration and anger filling the room hadn’t even touched her. It was only when she was alone in her quarters that it came crashing down on her and she’d barely made it to her bathroom in time.
“None of this was your fault,” Teyla said soothingly.
“Not my fault?” Elizabeth said incredulously. “How is it anything but my fault? I could have stopped the tests before they ever reached the stage they did. I should have stopped the tests. They went against everything that I’ve spent my life working for. I knew that it was wrong when I gave the order and I did it anyway.”
“The Hoffans would have found a way to synthesise their drug without our help,” Teyla said. “Doctor Beckett’s work only speeded the process.”
Elizabeth sighed unhappily. “They wouldn’t have had a Wraith to test it against if I hadn’t authorised it.”
“And they would have administered the drug to their entire population prior to the next Wraith culling,” Teyla continued with irritating logic. “They would not have known whether the drug would work and the Wraith would have discovered their research. Their path was set without our intervention.”
“What we did will still lead to the deaths of millions, however unintentionally,” Elizabeth said.
Teyla shrugged. “We did not cause their deaths and the potential benefits would have been worth it.”
Elizabeth was silent for a while. All the logic in the world couldn’t shake the formless guilt and anger that made her ill in a way she’d never felt before.
“I’m beginning to think that Star Trek had the right idea,” Elizabeth said eventually.
Teyla raised an eyebrow. “That’s the second time I’ve heard about your ‘Star Trek’ – is it an important cultural experience?”
Elizabeth smiled involuntarily. “Not exactly. It’s an old TV show. I’m sure one of the scientists brought along a few episodes if you’re interested.”
“I will ask them, thank you,” Teyla said with a polite, neutral expression. “Which idea were you referring to?”
“The military organisation that the show was based around had a prime directive: do not interfere with the development of other cultures. That rule doesn’t sound too far off the mark at the moment.”
“Ah.”
Teyla was quiet for a while and Elizabeth closed her eyes and rested her head against the railing. Maybe Teyla would finally take the hint and leave.
“If you adopted their prime directive, my people would not be here,” Teyla said after a while.
Elizabeth shrugged. “Your people probably wouldn’t have been attacked if we hadn’t been there.”
“Many of your encounters here have had a positive outcome,” Teyla said. “There are villages of children who would still be committing ritual suicide without your intervention.”
“Maybe,” Elizabeth conceded reluctantly.
“You have brought hope where there was none.”
“And death and destruction where there was none, too.”
“The Hoffans chose their destruction, despite our warnings,” Teyla said.
Elizabeth opened her eyes and sighed. “Teyla, thank you for trying to help, but at the moment I don’t think you can. It might be best if you left me alone to think about things.”
There was a puzzled frown and a look of hurt in Teyla’s eyes for a moment before the Athosian woman controlled her expression. It just added to the guilt that was gnawing at Elizabeth’s stomach again.
“If you are sure,” Teyla said, obviously hoping that Elizabeth would change her mind.
She didn’t. Instead she closed her eyes again and waved Teyla away. “I’m sure.”
Elizabeth heard Teyla get up and walk away. A moment later the door swished open and closed and Elizabeth was alone again. There was an empty feeling deep inside, a hole that her guilt and uncertainty could easily fill if she allowed.
If she was brutally honest with herself, it wasn’t just the guilt and horror at what had happened that had sent her running for a bathroom. It was the persistent thought that had been echoing in her head ever since John asked for her permission to take samples from Steve: “I shouldn’t be making these decisions”. Dilemmas over the disposal of ten thousand year-old dead plants suddenly seemed a lot more attractive than wading into the murky grey area of human rights and the relevance of the Geneva Convention to Wraiths. She’d known that there would be difficult decisions to make when she’d taken the job as leader of this expedition, but that abstract knowledge hadn’t prepared her for the reality.
Her decisions could get people killed. That wasn’t abstract anymore; it was a tangible fact. This time her decision to allow experimentation on Steve had sealed the fate of an entire planet. Her choice had been ethically and legally questionable at the time and hindsight was a bitch to live with.
The job wasn’t turning out to be what she had expected and every day seemed to make that more obvious. It could only be a matter of time before someone noticed that she didn’t know what she was doing half the time. But they needed someone who acted like a leader and Elizabeth had to give that to them. For now, though, she just wanted to sit out here and feel numb until the cold night air forced her inside.
*fin*
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-12-10 11:42 pm (UTC)It's a good exploration of Elizabeth's character; it's very believable.
Do you have any idea how happy I am that you are writing Teyla/Weir. It's a pairing that so deserves good writers.
no subject
Date: 2004-12-11 05:53 am (UTC)I love the idea of this pairing, but femslash is so rare it's always a treat to get good stories. And this definitley is one (even if it's quite preslash ::g::). It's a great exploration of both Weir and Emmagan, and a very satisfying look into the moral implications of that episode, which really needed doing. Very fine story.
Leah
no subject
Date: 2004-12-11 11:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-12-11 11:21 am (UTC)And yeah, I haven't found any good Teyla/Weir stuff yet :-( Damn.