Dilemma

[selenay]

I have a dilemma. Or at least, a thing where I need someone to tell me that doing what I want to do is fine and I shouldn't feel obligated to do the other thing.

See, a couple of months ago my cousin got engaged and her wedding will be in March in Wales. I hadn't planned on a trip to the UK outside of Worldcon next year so I didn't have it in my budget but my parents talked me into thinking about going.

Note, I haven't formally accepted an invitation or bought flights yet.

At the weekend I was chatting with Best Friend in America and we got onto the subject of how long it's been since we actually met up (four years!) and how much she enjoyed her last visit up here. End result, she's suggested that she and her husband and Baby Z could come up to visit in me in the spring. Which would be awesome because I've only really met BFiA's hubby at their wedding and Baby Z will be one in February and I really want to meet my almost!neice while she's still tiny and adorable.

(She's the cutest baby in the history of babies, guys. I'm not kidding, this child is *beautiful* and smiley and I want to snorgle her so badly.)

So, dilemma. I don't have enough vacation to take time off for both the wedding and my friend's visit and if BFiA drags her family up here I don't want to be at work all day. I want to spend time with them and cuddle Baby Z and natter with my best friend and go on trips to the beach even though it's going to be cold and blustery.

But my family kind of expects me to be in England for this wedding.

If I pick my best friend, I've got a couple of thousand dollas back in my savings (ugh, just the though of how expensive the wedding trip would be makes me cry - hotels and flights and presents and clothes and argh) and I get to see my beautiful neice while she's still tiny.

If I pick the wedding, my family will be happy.

Someone weigh in with an opinion here. Am I monumentally selfish to prioritise my best friend over my cousin?

Comments

[writerlibrarian]

Does the guilt of not going to the wedding outweight the happiness and savings in case of the friend's visit?

In these I usually chose to do what will be less painful in the long run. Are the guilt and family situation something I can live with long term if yes ... no wedding if no. well. that's that.

My two Canadian cents. YMMV

[executrix]

Weddings are usually somewhere between "large" and "gigantic"--if you were actually there and suspected of a crime nobody would be able to alibi you because they honestly wouldn't know if you were there or not. If I were you I'd send a really nice present and a note saying that you wish you could be with them on their day of bliss but alas it is impossible...If anyone gives you grief about it, say that you wish you could go but can't afford it (an excuse that is universally credible these days) or you'd get fired if you took the time off and you can't afford to lose your job.

[kimboo_york]

It's pretty clear that you are far more emotionally invested in your friend's visit than the wedding. With that in mind:

Your family will get over their disappointment. Years from now, IF anyone remembers the wedding at all, they might say, "hey, you didn't go to that, did you? Too bad, it was great!" Your mother might frown. The end.

But you will ALWAYS regret the time you could have taken off for your friend to visit with her precious new babe and loving spouse, and all enjoyment everyone would get from that.

Your own happiness is important, and you have the right to choose that over a wedding you don't really care about attending in the first place. ♥

[drgnhlr]

I think it can come down to how close you are to your cousin. You, though, not the whole family.

From just the entry, I agree with other posters, you seem more excited about the prospect of BFiA's potential visit than going to Wales. Your parents might give you grief about it, but lay it out for them - the exponential costs involved, getting time off, etc.

Good luck! (Whenever family's involved, it makes things 20 times harder, I swear)

[meinterrupted]

BABY!

Having been the terrible friend and family member that has missed weddings--they'll get over it. Especially since it's a Trans-Atlantic wedding. Send a card and a nice gift, and just tell your mom you really can't afford it if she pushes.

[emmzzi]

for cousins, it's too far removed to feel guilty. Send one hundred pounds for the honeymoon fund and a nice card. They may even be grateful to have less people to cater for at the very expensive things.

You already know your mother does not share your ideas about family and is more traditional than you. The rest of the UK has moved on.

Also, too many people I care about are sick or gone. Be with people who give you bliss while they are here. Be joyful.

[burnishedvictory]

Best friend. Definitely best friend. See above for reasons.

[ysobel]

Pick the friend. You want it more -- and you don't have to say "I like her better than you" to the cousin. Tell the family that you aren't able to come, say "budget reasons" if pressed for why, and take the option that you would enjoy.